The Quest...

The Quest...

Daniel Aaron | 30 January 2025

“I don’t believe you.”

John was seated next to me in a circle of 9 men. We’d never met before that night, and there was a tone of challenge in his words. 

Two days prior I’d gotten some harsh feedback that hurt, which I was still processing. My coach had suggested that I out myself, and ask for help. That’s what I was doing in the men’s group. 

A few days after that confrontation with John, I told my friend and colleague Jenny about my quest. 

“But you can’t,” she said. It wasn’t disbelief, it was concern. “You have needs. You’ve got to pay your rent, buy food. You’ve got a daughter to take care of.”

What had elicited these reactions? Me stating the quest I’d launched myself on: that I’m creating myself into something new. I declared “I am infinite, impactful service: heart broken open, loving, purely, generously, absent of self-concern.“

It was that last line that got to John and Jenny: absent of self-concern. As I think of it now, I’m curious that neither spoke of the potential impossibility of the task, the creation. 

To be clear, I now—a couple months later— declare this self-creation everyday, multiple times a day. I am also finding ways that I’m not yet living up to that declaration everyday. I’m speaking it (out loud)—not because it’s true or because there is evidence. I’m speaking it to create it. 

John’s disbelief was around my sincerity; he didn’t think I meant it. Jenny’s argument was that it sounded self-defacing, martyr-like. 

Some days prior to these conversations, through that harsh feedback I mentioned, I’d become aware of a negative impact I’d created. And while my intention wasn’t such, I take responsibility for the impact I create regardless of my intention. 

That impact had shown up in a men’s organization I’m involved with. A couple of men had felt that I was using the organization to solicit my business. I don’t know the fullness of the impact in that they’d chosen to be anonymous. The gist, I guess, is that they felt like it was wrong, unethical, maybe compromising their safety in some way. 

When another man, a leader in the organization, told me, at first I felt defensive. I quickly went through

 – it’s not true what those men said, I didn’t…

 – they are projecting their issues onto me…

I even felt some anger at those men for their anonymity, for not speaking directly to me. Luckily I have learned to receive feedback with “thank you” being my only response. 

Another declaration of mine, which I also don’t always live up to: I alchemize criticism into brilliance.

So, when my reaction faded, I made the choice to turn this negative feedback into brilliance. 

My greatest heroes have long been, and still are—Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Jesus. One could debate whether any of them were 100% absent of self-concern, and ultimately we can never know, yet I admire the level of love and service that they lived. Not only did they continually give of themselves for the benefit of others in ways that sacrificed their own personal interests and safety, they were each assassinated. 

I get why John didn’t believe me. Most of us don’t personally know people like those heroes. We are culturally taught the importance and value of self-oriented motivations and actions. We live in a world centered around getting what we want first and foremost. 

I explained to Jenny that I am not interested in martyrdom, which, of course, would ultimately negate the possibility of me being infinite and impactful service. I work as a life and business coach, and people pay me significant fees. That said, a major aspect of my personal, professional and spiritual growth is understanding that their investment is for them, that it primarily benefits them.

Don’t get me wrong. My income also comes from their investments, and I use that income to pay for things in my life. I benefit. Yet, my own benefit cannot be the primary reason for inviting their investment. The fees are a measure of their commitment, their skin in the game. 

Let’s take it to greater subtlety. When I created the negative impact, when I created those men feeling like I was taking advantage of the organization for personal gain, they weren’t wrong. Neither were my actions. 

Contradiction? Stay with me. 

Here’s what I do. This is how I run my life and my business. In the world when I meet people, I listen to them. I’m curious about who they are, what’s going on for them, what their pains, challenges, hopes and dreams are. I ask about these things. 

If and when I hear something from someone and it occurs to me that I can be of assistance to them, that I can help, I ask them if they would like that. If they say yes, then I invite them to have a professional conversation with me, a coaching conversation. There’s no financial investment required or accepted for that conversation. 

I tell them: “I spend a little bit of time with a lot of different people, helping them to see things that can be different in their lives and businesses.” 

A few of those people go on to make bigger commitments, including financial investments, and we go on to do some amazing work together. I tell people that if they become interested in that possibility, we can talk about it. We don’t have to, and it’s an option. 

You see? There’s nothing wrong with that behavior. I didn’t do anything that I would apologize for or that would require me calling myself out. 

So, why the quest? Why the negative impact? 

The eye cannot see the eye. It’s hard to read the label from inside the jar. What I wasn’t realizing as I proceed as just described was that sometimes my own needs and desires were bleeding into the offers and conversations such that there was pollution. I had unconsciously tainted those complimentary conversations, so no wonder some men had felt I was out of integrity. I was. 

I love (and sometimes hate) these words by Nietzsche: 

“The strength of a person’s spirit would then be measured by how much ‘truth’ he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”

My love of them is greater than my discomfort. The words inspire me to evolve, to become. Maslow said: “what man can become, man must become.” 

So, is it arrogant, triggering or foolhardy for me to aspire to love and service absent of self-concern? Will it bother more people for me to associate myself with MLK Jr. and Jesus? Probably so on both counts. That said, while I’m no biblical scholar, I have this sense that it was Jesus who said, all this you shall do and more. 

What about you? What’s your more? Who are your heroes and what do you aspire to? Because—let’s close with the words of Goethe—”Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now.”